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[ If Someone You Know Is Considering Abortion ]
If Someone You Know Is Considering Abortion
First of all, remember to be a good listener. Find out what her concerns are and explain how they can be addressed. The crisis of the moment can cause her emotions to run high. She may be inclined to rush into a decision to get rid of the problem immediately. Be the objective voice that assists her to look beyond her present problems and into her future that will be affected by the decisions she makes now.
Encourage her to take her time in examining her situation. As you interact with her, ask questions. This shows that you are prepared to listen and it can also identify what is motivating her to abort. You will be guiding her through the discernment process and will be aware of what help you need to offer. Furthermore, by addressing each of her concerns with more questions, she will be talking through her fears. Verbalizing her thoughts can help her come to the right decision.
- Are her parents pressuring her to abort? Is she worried she will be kicked out of her home and have no place to stay?
Tell her that you will welcome her to your home. If that’s not possible, contact your local pro-life pregnancy care centre and they can direct the woman to a home. Alternatively, contact us and we will do our best to provide you with connections in your area. Ask her, “Is the pain of not living at home, and the newness of living somewhere else, worse than killing your child?”
- Is she afraid that her parents will get angry and that she will bring shame on her family?
It is natural for her parents to be disappointed, but anger eventually disappears when they realize that they would rather bear the shame of a grandchild out of wedlock than the pain of the death of their grandchild. Granted, not all families are like this and where a family will be unsupportive, you need to be that support for your friend. Ask her, “In the long term, would your parents be angrier that you had an abortion or that you continued with the pregnancy? Will having an abortion actually maintain good relations with your parents or would the secrecy and guilt come through in how you interact with them? What if this is the only grandchild your parents will ever know?”
- Is she Christian and afraid that an out-of-wedlock pregnancy will expose her sexual sin?
Ask her what Jesus—who has a great love for children—thinks about abortion: “Is Jesus more concerned about you not being embarrassed, or is He more concerned about you not shedding innocent blood?” Remind her of the Christmas story and how the timing of Mary’s pregnancy was a source of scandal. Reflect on Psalm 139 and Jeremiah 1:5.
Remind her of the Old Testament story of David and Bathsheba (2 Samuel 11). In that story, David lusts after a married woman, Bathsheba. He has sex with her and she gets pregnant. In order to conceal their sexual sin, which the developing pregnancy would make visible, David arranges for Bathsheba’s husband, Uriah, to be killed and then takes Bathsheba as his wife. Abortion is a modern-day version of this story: killing an innocent person in order to conceal one’s own sexual sin. In 2 Samuel 11:27 it says, “But the thing that David had done displeased the Lord.”
- Is she afraid she will have to quit school or her job?
For the most part, her pregnancy shouldn’t interfere with her ability to continue with her education or work. And once her child is born, she could ask for the help of close family or friends in looking after the child while she is working or is at school. She can also consider daycare programs offered at her school or at other nearby institutions; such child-care programs are increasingly common. There is also the possibility of giving her child up for adoption.
- Is she afraid of giving her child up for adoption because of how she will have bonded with the child and because her child may go to a bad home?
Today there is the option of open adoption which allows the birth mother to stay in touch with her child and his new family. And although there are cases where children have been placed in bad homes, that is not the norm and such a fear is not grounds for killing one’s child. Ask her, “Is the pain you will feel about giving up your child you bonded with as bad as the pain you will feel about killing your child? What is the most loving and selfless thing to do: give your child to someone who can raise him and love him or kill your child because you don’t want anyone else to care for him if you are unable to yourself?”
- Is she afraid she is too young or incapable of raising a child right now?
Encourage her to consider adoption (see the above answer).
- Is she afraid her boyfriend will abandon her?
Ask her, “If your boyfriend is unwilling to care for a child he helped create, does he really love you? If he will only stay with you if you kill your child, does he really love you? If he will only stay with you if you put yourself through a risky procedure, does he really love you? If difficult life circumstances are grounds for him to threaten leaving you now, why would that change after the abortion? Won’t you face the same threat of abandonment by him the moment another challenge arises? And hasn’t he already abandoned you emotionally by not caring for you in this time of need? Would you rather have a child you can love and who will love you back or would you rather have a boyfriend who will leave you the moment the ‘going gets tough’?”
- Is she overwhelmed caring for her born children and feeling unprepared for another child?
Offer your friend assistance with looking after her children. Establish a network of friends who would take turns cleaning her house or babysitting while she runs errands or takes a walk. Contact a nearby church to see how they can help this struggling family. Ask her, “Would you be willing to kill your born children to deal with your struggles? What is the difference between that and killing your unborn child? How will you look into the eyes of your born children knowing that you killed one of their siblings?”
As you interact with your friend, there are three important perspectives to communicate to her:
- Her unborn child is a human being and has been so since fertilization.
Explain fetal-development facts, such as that her baby’s heart started beating 22 days (3 weeks) after fertilization. Take her through online fetal-development information, pictures, and movies, such as those at www.justthefacts.org.
Obtain fetal models from your local pro-life society or crisis pregnancy centre. Show these models to your friend and let her hold them.
Encourage your friend to name her child; it will be easier for her to abort something that she has not bonded with than it will be for her to abort someone with whom she has connected.
- Abortion is an act of violence that will kill her baby.
Explain the procedure to her and show her graphic imagery via photos and video, such as those found at the following webpages:
- Abortion will have negative physical, emotional, and spiritual effects on her.
Online information is available at the following websites:
It is important to be prepared to approach this from all three angles. Some people have an unfounded fear that using graphic pictures could do harm to a woman in crisis pregnancy. You don’t lose anything by showing her graphic pictures. But you potentially lose something by not showing the pictures: her baby’s life.
Remember all the fears that are motivating your friend to abort? Those fears are very real in her mind; they are immediate problems. If she continues to maintain the idea that her unborn child is not a baby and that abortion is not an act of violence that will kill that baby, then it will be easier for her to have the abortion than to deal with her problems. Your challenge is to make your friend more horrified of the abortion than she is terrified of her crisis pregnancy. Graphic pictures do that.
Admittedly, you need to be discerning in your one-on-one interactions about when to use any material. Be gentle, listen, and when it comes to showing pictures, tell her that you care for her and that you want her to be informed of everything she needs to know about abortion.
As you help your friend, keep in mind that you need to interact with others as well: a) people that can help you help your friend, and b) people that may be pressuring your friend to abort.
Regarding the former, if your friend is willing, go with her to a pro-life doctor. Do not assume that if a doctor is Christian that he or she is pro-life; tragically, that is not always the case. Therefore, before recommending any doctor to your friend, make sure that you know for a certainty that that doctor is completely pro-life. Contact your local pro-life pregnancy care centre and get advice from them. Again, if your friend is willing, go there with her. A religious leader (e.g. pastor, priest) can also be a source of guidance, but once again, make sure that they are pro-life before involving them. Keep in mind that you are a friend and not a professional; therefore, these other people can provide that professional perspective you need.
Regarding the latter group, if there are other people that are aware of your friend’s pregnancy and pressuring her to abort, you need to work on persuading them that abortion is wrong.
Finally, keep this principle in mind: friends don’t drive friends to abortion clinics[i]. Knowing what abortion is and does, the most loving thing to do is to encourage your friend to not abort and, where that may fail, to not participate in or facilitate the act. After all, if your friend were going to beat her baby brother and you failed in convincing her not to, would you participate in that action or simply “be there to support her”?
If your friend does abort and then realizes at some future point that she made a mistake, and if you had participated in or in some way facilitated that abortion, she’ll wonder why you did that when you knew it was wrong. She may even hold you partially responsible, and rightly so. But if you demonstrate integrity through your uncompromising views and consistent action, this could be the factor that convinces your friend not to have the abortion—after all, actions speak louder than words.
In conclusion, we wish you all the best as you work “on the front lines” to save your friend’s baby’s life. You are also striving to save your friend much long-term heartache, and we applaud you for your stance. Remember to be compassionate and honest, empathetic and blunt. Your friend knows you and obviously trusts you. You have her best interests in mind—communicate that to her.
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